Expected

James was supposed to call me today.

He didn’t.

Part of me is glad.

Part of me is kinda ticked off.

But more of me is glad.

I’m so used to him not doing what he says he will or “forgetting”. It’s just not a new thing for me.

But I typically still have this hope that for once in his life he’ll come through on what he says.

It’s been a month since I’ve talked to him. I asked him to stop calling once a week and he actually listened. Too bad he forgot the whole “I’ll call on the 19^th” thing.

But I’m glad he didn’t call. Even when we are getting along I still don’t like talking to him. Brings back way too many horrible memories. I’d much rather not talk to him so I don’t have to listen to him talk about his family bragging about Joshua and telling stories of the few times they’ve seen him. It’s insulting to me and to the people that have actually put in an effort to be a part of his life. James’ entire family is just a bunch of lazy jack wagons. They talk about Joshua like he is there with them all of the time but it’s been a year since James’ grandparents have seen him and it’s been 9 months since James has seen him.

I just want him to forget about these attempts to look like a decent human being. He hasn’t done anything for Joshua and it’s lame that he keeps trying to convince himself that he’s not completely worthless.

But I guess that’s not a nice thing for me to think. OH WELL.

My dad (and probably the rest of my family) thinks I should just not “worry” about James anymore.

Sorry to disappoint but it’s kinda HARD. I’m not that “worried” about him. I’m more annoyed by him.

The last time I talked to James he told me that getting drunk was the most important thing to him. I was strangely satisfied and comforted by that statement. At least I know he hasn’t changed.

My family doesn’t understand how I feel about this or why I think the way I do about James or why I “worry” about him calling or whatever.

It’s frustrating but I don’t expect them to understand.

I can’t. None of them have dealt with this situation themselves. They’ve dealt with this through my experience with it..but none of them have been in this situation.

Fill In The Blank Friday

1. My favorite quote is "Maturity is: the ability to stick with a job until it is finished; the ability to do a job without being supervised; the ability to carry money without spending it; and the ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even."-Abigail Van Buren

2. A bad habit I have is I pick my nail polish, I also crack my knuckles alot, more often when I'm tense or nervous.

3. The first time I felt like a "grown up" was I don't even know..I guess that means I'm not a grown up??

4. Weekends are the only time I get to sleep past 5:30 am and the only reason I survive every week.

5. When I was a child I wished my name was According to my mom I never asked her to change my name..and honestly I don't remember if I ever wanted to change my name.

6. I wish I was already done with school so I could get a job and support Joshua myself.

7. A secret I have is that I always wonder where I'd be if I had never had Joshua or if I had given him up for adoption.

Blah

-

You’d think being 19 and having a kid would mean I was constantly busy. Well it doesn’t. I kinda hate it too. I wish I had a job. I wish I was already done with school. I wish I didn’t have to rely on my parents. Classes start this Friday. I only go 3 days a week. I know that it would be almost impossible for me to work, go to school, and still be able to take care of Joshua without

1. Putting him on formula/ supplement formula since I am still nursing and I don’t pump

2. Putting him in daycare.

My dad isn’t exactly the most patient person..but neither are most guys. He has the job of taking care of Joshua while I’m at school since he is retired. I’m pretty sure that is close to the limit for him too.

I hate that I don’t have a job and that I can’t support Joshua yet. I HATE it. But it’s what I have to do.

Anyways..

I was talking to a guy friend and he was telling me all of his plans for this summer and what all he’s been up to. He does so much..and I do practically nothing. It’s seriously the most depressing part of all of this. I go to school, come home and take care of Joshua…the next day I do the same thing. Except on Tuesday, Thursday, and on the weekends.

My friends are basically nonexistent. They all have jobs, moved off to college, they’ve gotten married. They all have lives..and no kids. I’m home with my parents and my one year old.

I don’t know what to do about this.