Expected

James was supposed to call me today.

He didn’t.

Part of me is glad.

Part of me is kinda ticked off.

But more of me is glad.

I’m so used to him not doing what he says he will or “forgetting”. It’s just not a new thing for me.

But I typically still have this hope that for once in his life he’ll come through on what he says.

It’s been a month since I’ve talked to him. I asked him to stop calling once a week and he actually listened. Too bad he forgot the whole “I’ll call on the 19^th” thing.

But I’m glad he didn’t call. Even when we are getting along I still don’t like talking to him. Brings back way too many horrible memories. I’d much rather not talk to him so I don’t have to listen to him talk about his family bragging about Joshua and telling stories of the few times they’ve seen him. It’s insulting to me and to the people that have actually put in an effort to be a part of his life. James’ entire family is just a bunch of lazy jack wagons. They talk about Joshua like he is there with them all of the time but it’s been a year since James’ grandparents have seen him and it’s been 9 months since James has seen him.

I just want him to forget about these attempts to look like a decent human being. He hasn’t done anything for Joshua and it’s lame that he keeps trying to convince himself that he’s not completely worthless.

But I guess that’s not a nice thing for me to think. OH WELL.

My dad (and probably the rest of my family) thinks I should just not “worry” about James anymore.

Sorry to disappoint but it’s kinda HARD. I’m not that “worried” about him. I’m more annoyed by him.

The last time I talked to James he told me that getting drunk was the most important thing to him. I was strangely satisfied and comforted by that statement. At least I know he hasn’t changed.

My family doesn’t understand how I feel about this or why I think the way I do about James or why I “worry” about him calling or whatever.

It’s frustrating but I don’t expect them to understand.

I can’t. None of them have dealt with this situation themselves. They’ve dealt with this through my experience with it..but none of them have been in this situation.

Fill In The Blank Friday

1. My favorite quote is "Maturity is: the ability to stick with a job until it is finished; the ability to do a job without being supervised; the ability to carry money without spending it; and the ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even."-Abigail Van Buren

2. A bad habit I have is I pick my nail polish, I also crack my knuckles alot, more often when I'm tense or nervous.

3. The first time I felt like a "grown up" was I don't even know..I guess that means I'm not a grown up??

4. Weekends are the only time I get to sleep past 5:30 am and the only reason I survive every week.

5. When I was a child I wished my name was According to my mom I never asked her to change my name..and honestly I don't remember if I ever wanted to change my name.

6. I wish I was already done with school so I could get a job and support Joshua myself.

7. A secret I have is that I always wonder where I'd be if I had never had Joshua or if I had given him up for adoption.

Blah

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You’d think being 19 and having a kid would mean I was constantly busy. Well it doesn’t. I kinda hate it too. I wish I had a job. I wish I was already done with school. I wish I didn’t have to rely on my parents. Classes start this Friday. I only go 3 days a week. I know that it would be almost impossible for me to work, go to school, and still be able to take care of Joshua without

1. Putting him on formula/ supplement formula since I am still nursing and I don’t pump

2. Putting him in daycare.

My dad isn’t exactly the most patient person..but neither are most guys. He has the job of taking care of Joshua while I’m at school since he is retired. I’m pretty sure that is close to the limit for him too.

I hate that I don’t have a job and that I can’t support Joshua yet. I HATE it. But it’s what I have to do.

Anyways..

I was talking to a guy friend and he was telling me all of his plans for this summer and what all he’s been up to. He does so much..and I do practically nothing. It’s seriously the most depressing part of all of this. I go to school, come home and take care of Joshua…the next day I do the same thing. Except on Tuesday, Thursday, and on the weekends.

My friends are basically nonexistent. They all have jobs, moved off to college, they’ve gotten married. They all have lives..and no kids. I’m home with my parents and my one year old.

I don’t know what to do about this.

11 Months

Today officially makes Joshua 11 months old. I keep trying to process this past year and remember everything I could. If it's quiet enough I can bring myself back to the first week we were home. Hectic, dramatic, stressful, sleepless, confusing, happy..I never thought one week could be described in so many words. It definitely could have been better though.
There was a lot of drama with his father. We weren't getting along, fighting constantly. I don't know what made things that way. I can't remember. All I know is the constant threats of having Joshua taken away from me because I have "mental disorders" and am "unfit" made it very hard for me to bond with my son.
I can remember the exact moment I looked at Joshua and automatically knew that he was mine forever. Mine to love. Mine to hold. Mine to console. Joshua is my baby. My child. My son. He was about a month old. I was holding him above my head, making funny faces at him. He, of course, was not very responsive because he had yet to smile or laugh or coo. (All things that when they happened the first time made me cry a little)
The drama had stopped, his father and I were getting along a little better. He had yet to see him since Joshua was about 2 days old, but we weren't fighting as much. I wasn't worrying about threats of Joshua being taken away from me. Things were settling down. We were in a better routine...which of course consisted of: nursing Joshua, finding little time to bathe or eat, nursing Joshua, watching Joshua sleep, nursing Joshua, attempting to sleep myself, nursing Joshua..typical new mommy things.

Anyways, the first month was kinda nutty. I was running on very little sleep and the main side effect of that was that I stuttered. I stuttered like a crazy person. I eventually convinced Joshua's father to come see him. He came about once a month for about 3 months. Then it trickled down to..never. Oh well.

And now Joshua is 11 months. His personality shines through with every little move he makes. Stubborn, funny, sweet, VERY determined, don't you DARE try to convince him that doing something other than trying to eat dog food, paper, or lady bugs is a good idea. He still doesn't sleep through the night..which makes me a little envious of the other moms with babies that are great sleepers. He is possibly (and I'm pretty sure definitely) the cutest baby ever. He still doesn't have a full head of hair, he still has the same fat pockets on his knees, and he crawls like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. But he is definitely the cutest, most adorable, sweetest baby ever. He's attempted to take a few steps by himself but crawling is still faster so I'm not expecting him to walk independently any time soon.

He's my favorite person. I can't wait till I can have conversations with him.

30 Day Blog Challenge-Day 3

Day 3-First Love

I really really really don't like this one. I don't know if I should post about the guy I dated in 10th grade or if I should post about Kent *whatshisname* from 1st grade.

I dated Kent until this girl with cancer stole him from me. That girl is still alive. No worries. I was kinda mad though. I remember that.

But the guy I dated in 10th grade was Adam. Oooh how proud I was to be dating a football player. We weren't together for very long..but it was a very fun relationship. He was really sweet and dorky and athletic...I love football players by the way.
I spent a lot of time at his dad's house (because his mom was scary) and we watched LSU and The Saints play every weekend. They were hardcore LSU fans and his dad would say every weekend "now THIS is the week we're turning you into a fan!"

Adam was great..about 90% of the time. Just like every other teenage boy.

I dumped him cause he cussed at me. Oh well.

30 Day Blog Challenge-Day 2

Day2-Meaning behind my blog name.

Mama Don't Dance.....
My sister did the header and she spells things weird.

I had been talking about blogging for months and one night I was joking around with my mom and sister about how much of a horrible dancer I am..and my mom started singing that "your mama don't dance and your papa don't rock n roll" song and that's basically where it came from..

I know..not very interesting. Oh well.
I got pizza to eat...and a baby to feed.
Nighty night.

30 Day Blog Challenge-Day 1

I definitely need to post more. End. Of. Story.
I just have ZERO time.

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your first love
Day 4-Your parents
Day 5-Your siblings
Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7-Favorite movies
Day 8-A place you've traveled to
Day 9-A picture of your friends
Day 10-Something you're afraid of
Day 11-Favorite tv shows
Day 12-What you believe
Day 13-Goals
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Bible verse
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you're looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Nicknames
Day 21-Picture of yourself
Day 22-Favorite city.
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you've learned
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26-Picture of your family
Day 27-Pets
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-a picture
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I am Laura. Mmhmm. I'm from Louisiana. My sister has her own blog...here. But her blog is so much better because she actually has time to update it. I'm only a teenager-just a few months shy of being 20. I'm in college-yay. I'm majoring in sociology. I have the most annoying Spaniel mix named Annie. She's almost 4..I think. I rescued her from the pound a few months after my first dog died.

Yeah...I hate pictures so the most recent is March. I still look like this though.

1.That cute little guy sleeping on my chest is Joshua. He's 9 months old now ( only 2 months in the pic), and the best kid EVER. Hands down. Don't argue with me. He's great. I had him when I was only 18.
2. I could eat spaghetti all day every day. Seriously.
3. Most of the day I love being a single mom. Sometimes I'd much rather have a partner there so I could relax. My only alone time is in the shower.
4. I love writing papers for my english class. I mean..LOVE.
5. I'm so much better at texting on a full keyboard.
6. I delivered Joshua..naturally. No drugs at all.
7. I have a pretty high pain tolerance.
8. In fact, I'm gonna put my pain tolerance to a test and get a tattoo this saturday.
9. I'm not easily excited. It takes a lot for me to actually smile about stuff.
10. I'm extremely self conscious about my teeth...and my feet.
11. Gagging and vomit is nothing to me now. I used to freak out every time my sister threw up. Probably only because she would scream and run around while puking. I love you Em. :)
12.I make the best homemade ice cream. Ha.
13. I'm the most shy person ever. I have a lot of anxiety too. Too much.
14. My favorite game on Facebook is Frontierville. I LOVE it.
15. I am beast at Guitar Hero. Or at least I used to be.